Although investigators can't exactly reconstruct Sunday's chain of events, it appears that the driver—drunk, barefoot, pants-less, and leaving a double shift at a nearby FD&C Yellow No. 5 food-coloring plant—saw a train approaching on the right and stupidly decided to accelerate and beat it to the intersection.
'I deemed the motorist bone-stick-stone stupid for several reasons,' Lawrence said. 'First, no motorist should ever attempt to outrun an oncoming train. Second, no motorist should ever place an ashtray containing two lit cigarettes on top of a car seat drenched in 190-proof Everclear, as the scorch marks on the deceased's crotch will attest. Finally, and this is the real mind-blower, the accident occurred at a spot where the train tracks pass over the highway on their own bridge. Apparently, the numbnuts panicked when he saw the train approaching, veered off just before entering the underpass, and sent his truck into the bridge abutment. So even though 'stupid' barely begins to cover it, let's decide that it's an adequate description of the cause of death and leave it at that.'
The moron's name is being withheld out of respect for his stupid family, which is preparing lawsuits against the Arkansas Highway Department, the Union Pacific Railroad, and the David Sherman Corporation, which produces Everclear.
01 mars 2006
Birt af Björninn kl. 14:28